Being a Wounded Healer

Even though I am a healer I am still made up of my most painful wounds.

What’s left its mark on me the most was when I was rejected, betrayed, and abandoned at the start of grade 8 by a group of girls who no longer wanted to be friends. They rejected me based on what I was wearing, they said I didn’t fit in with them anymore. I was dressed in Hang Ten and wore deck shoes.

I have come to learn that these events left me feeling unwanted, not good enough, alone, afraid of making mistakes, assumed I didn’t stick up for myself, distrusting women, but always aiming to please, anxious in groups, and fragmented.

I didn’t know it at the time but this was why I came to the healer’s path in the first place.

As years past I believed I got over these hurts, I moved on and I was doing alright. Deep down I was lying to myself I was not totally OK. Looking back I realized I often drifted and floated through events, and situations never really present or engaging, I often lived in my head. I had a heard time noticing the world around me. I believe was afraid to face things, I collapsed in on myself as a way to hide from it all.

If you met I made sure you wouldn’t see what was going on the inside. I always smiled, looked happy and stayed positive. I keep this up for fear of being rejected again, so I pushed all my feelings and pain into the shadows. Pretended I wasn’t angry, pissed off, full of hate and jealousy.

I kept smiling and telling the world I was fine. But the whole time living as a quiet victim, ashamed of my fears, insecurity, anxiousness. You would never know my story I worked so hard to hide it. I worked so hard to never left myself go through those painful experiences again.

Eventually it was just easier to be alone. But I craved community, friendship, so I would go out and make new friends.

Crazy thing was I kept being rejected, back stabbed and the target of jealous women. I was always confused why they would do this to me. I was tired of feeling like I did something wrong, why I couldn’t have close friends it made me super self-conscious, I developed social anxiety, and insecure.

I lived in this dynamic for years.

It was my connection to Spirit that kept be going. I believe I have helper guides that have shown me way. They guided me towards people, opportunities and events that I have made a huge impact on my healing journey, such as discovering Tai Chi, Yoga, Reiki, shamanism, and recently Celtic shamanism and Wicca.

I guess you can say I have always followed my heart. It’s the one thing that has never stirred me wrong. Over these 20+ years of digging, looking into my shadow sides, through my Shamanic work, it has enabled me to walk through the fire to face my fears and come to accept, learn from and love them.

I still have wounds to heal, I am far from enlightened, or have all the answers, but I know I am no longer my wounds, they don’t control, me as much, I don’t see myself as a victim, but a warrior who walks with courage into adversity. I am not longer afraid to me!

One recent example happened this year has proved I am better and stronger than my old self.

I made a choice that was in align with my beliefs, but because of it I lost a job I really loved, plus friends and community. Gong against the norm was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, it was super stressful. It brought up all my past fears around rejection and abandonment but the new me was ready to face it with more confidence, self-worth, and trust. I held my ground, stood up for what I believed in and believed in my choices.

I know I made the right choice, no regrets, because I now know who I am, what’s important to me, I’m someone who doesn’t work for her wounds anymore.

If you too have recently lost something, been rejected, betrayed and abandoned. I know first hand what you’re going through.

I learned to stop being afraid. I am not 100% healed, I’m still have more to do on this journey called life. But what I do know is it’s possible to heal from our deepest wounds and find yourself again.

I would love to show you how I go to where I am. Let’s work together someday.